Blogathon – sponsorship open til Friday

I’m all recovered from the Blogathon now, having got lots of lovely sleep Sunday night!  I’m delighted to report that my sponsorship total is approximately £71 (I’ve been sponsored in pounds, euros and dollars, variously) – so far, that is.  Because yes, it’s still possible to sponsor me – pledges are staying open on the Blogathon site until Friday.  So if you want to chip in, just click the banner below.  It’d be nice to top £100, after all ;-)

Blogathon.org - click here to sponsor me by Friday 31st July(All you have to do at the Blogathon site is sign up to sponsor me, you’re not paying anything through them, or to me: sponsors will be sent the details to send donations through the MDF website after Friday)

As for the rest of the bipolar related topics that I was planning to blog about during the ‘thon, but didn’t get around to (note to self for next time: choose quicker things to write about!!), I still intend to post them.  I’ll just be spacing them out a little more.  They’ll probably be quite long, but I’ll remember to use the “more” tag when I’m not in such a rush to post.

49: Blogathoned!

Stick a fork in me, I’m done!  That was fun, but so exhausting!  I’m really glad I made it to the end.  See you next year, Blogathon!

Once again, many thanks to my wonderful sponsors, Lazulus, Carla, Omega, Mandy, Heather and Mum!  It’s still possible to pledge sponsorhip until 2pm BST Tuesday if you’d like to retroactively sponsor me!

Thanks too to everyone who’s kept me company and mostly-awake!  See you soon.  Bed for me now!

46: A bit more on “normality”

Following on from my last post, I thought I’d just write a quick one (I hope!) covering what’s “normal” and not when you have bipolar.  In my experience, that is.

As I said before, “normal” is when you can function.  But in a way, that’s a reasonably wide definition of normal, and you could be in a manic or depressive phase while still meeting the criteria for being normal in that case.  If you’re want to define “normal” as “not manic or depressed”, how would you do that? (I would actually call that “stable”, rather than “normal”, probably because normal is such a fuzzy label, but anyway.)

I think perhaps being manic or depressed means that you’re not in control of your moods or emotions any more.  You can’t “just snap out of it” or “cheer up” or “calm down”.  Your brain chemicals are out of whack, and you’re stuck on that rollercoaster until something happens to stop it.  That could be outside intervention (from medication, to therapy, to just someone letting you know that you’re not well – because sometimes you can’t tell yourself ), it could be a sharp mood swing in the other direction, or it could be that you are able to put coping mechanisms in place yourself and start to haul yourself out by your bootstraps.  So yes, it is possible to take control back if you catch the mood swing early enough, or at the right point when you’re going back in the other direction.  Cognitive Behavioural Therapy helps you do that.  The meditation that I spoke about earlier is one of my coping strategies.  Getting it out of my head and into paper or screen is another.  Knitting and spinning are another.  And getting out of the flat and socialising is a very very important one.

Perhaps one of the problems with bipolar is that when you’re manic, it’s very easy to “fake normal”.  Everything’s brilliant, you can do anything and everything right now if you’re at the “right” stage of mania.  And it feels good.  It’s actually harder to admit to mania when everythings awesome like the awesomest thing ever, than it is to admit to depression (which can be pretty hard if you can cope with talking to anyone!).

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Listening to: KT Tunstall – Miniature Disasters
via FoxyTunes

45: Q&A – How do we know what’s “normal” and what’s not?

Ptyx asked me: How do we know what’s “normal” and what’s not?

Before I got started answering that, I thought I’d better make sure I understood what she was asking, since there were a couple of different ways I can see to come at it (How do I know when I’m “normal” instead of in the grip of a manic or depressive phase; or how do we define normal as opposed to not?).  When I asked her, she replied: “The question was mostly general, that is, the second option: how can someone tell who is normal, or what behaviour is normal? I think the first option is part of the problem, too. But I guess that, before deciding if someone is behaving normally, we have to decide what is normal and what’s not.”

I think my answer to that will have to run very much along the lines of something my psychiatrist once said to me.  To give some background to that conversation, I’d been having what I like to call mild “reality issues” – and yes, I have degrees of reality issues, but when I’ve had the most severe ones, it’s been when I’ve been the most ill – so Mum was concerned that I might be heading in that direction.  Which is very bad no good stuff.  Anyhow, I’d been having some very vivid, lifelike, repetitive dreams.  Repetitive in the sense that I went to the same place every time: what happened wasn’t the same.  My sleep was a bit all over the place, so it all seemed a bit dreamlike when I was awake too, so it was making sense to me that both places were equally real.  YMMV.  However, in general, I was doing OK.  I was sleeping every day at some point, I was eating and going out, I was getting other things done.  There was just the risk that I might end up going too high.  So, I went to see the doctor, and after going through it all with me, he asked if it was distressing me?  No, it wasn’t, because the other place was perfectly nice and interesting, just different to here.  Was it stopping me from functioning when I was awake – taking care of myself, eating, socialising?  Nope.

In that case, he said, it doesn’t matter.  Don’t worry about it, just carry on as you were.  Make sure you keep taking your meds, keep track of your moods, and if it gets worse: becomes distressing, stops you functioning, makes you do things that are risky to yourself or others; that’s when there needs to be further intervention.

So I think that’s become my definition of “normal”.  Able to take care of oneself and function safely and well in society. Does that make sense?  I can be manic, I can be depressed, Person X can be a bit eccentric, Person Y can be schizophrenic, and so on, but if we’re all doing well enough that we’re not doing ourselves or anyone else any damage physically or mentally… then that’s “normal” enough for me.

“Normal”, of course, is just as much a  label as anything else.  And it’s a subjective thing – different people will have different definitions.  Often, that definition will be “like me”.  That’s too restrictive for me.

Once again, I’ll point you to Cia’s post on the subject – it’s a good one!

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Listening to: Florence And The Machine – Dog Days Are Over
via FoxyTunes

44: Going for food, brb for real this time

Well, since I’m suddenly really hungry, I think I’ll celebrate having caught up with myself (I have, right?) by going and getting that toast and some orange juice.  I might also reboot the computer.  I think it really needs it.

When I come back, I’m going to answer my comments, and see if I can also make a post or two answering questions I’ve been asked.  Back soon!  Really, this time!!

43: The Elevenses Post

Which means that I’m not only one post behind.  Hooray!  Unfortunately, I can’t think of anything to say for this one.  How’s everyone else getting on?  I was really sorry to see that Renee had needed to get some sleep, but I completely understand why – I was beginning to worry if I might have to do the same thing because I didn’t want to risk making myself ill, pushing myself into a manic or depressed, or mixed-cycling phase through lack of sleep.  Or really, because my sleep routine was messed up.  I’m pretty sure now that I will in fact be OK, and I’m likely going straight to bed at 2pm and I dare say I’ll sleep til morning.

And wow, talking of Elevenses, I’m suddenly hungry again.   Toast, anyone?

42: Isn’t it amazing…

… how quickly I can post several entries in a row when the pressure is really really on!  I’m not being helped by either my fingers, my keyboard, or my computer in general – I’m not sure which, and it could be a combination of several things.  But everything is sloooooow, and I keep making enormous typos that I have to go back and fix.  Partly because I type pretty fast, and the text isn’t showing up on the screen until I’m waaaay past the mistake I just made.  Except it takes ages to get to the right place to make the fix, even when clicking with the mouse.  I probably need to reboot, but I’m reluctant to do that until I’m caught up on my post count.  Two more to go!

41: A knitty post

Since I don’t think I actually posted here when I finally finished Mum’s birthday shawl, I shall do so now!  I was almost a year late giving it to her in the end, so instead of it being finished for her birthday in April 08, it was finished for Mother’s Day in February 09.  The border had taken me *so* much longer than I anticipated, and then I had blocking anxiety so it took me ages to screw up the courage to do that in case I messed it up!  But the finished result was worth all the work:

Actually, I don’t think I ever put put the project stats here for this, since it was Sekrit Knitting, so here they are now:

Pattern: Wild Flower Shawl by Dee Bamford. [Ravlink]
Yarn: Posh Yarn Sophia 2ply (100% cashmere) in ‘Strawberry Shortcake’.
Needles: 3.25mm circular (Addi Turbo bamboo)
Ravelry Project Page: WFS

And would you believe, this shawl is now almost-famous?  Our knitting group was in the Readers Projects section of The Knitter magazine, issue 7, and this shawl was one of the ones we sent off to them to feature.  Hee!

40: Playing catch-up again!

Right then, what I’m going to do, in case I’m not technically dropped out for missing an hour, is bring my post count up to where it should be.  Which at the moment should be post #42, so I still have a couple to go!

I think I’ll come up with some techniques for keeping going fora another three hours, and for waking up a bit better right now:

  • Food – food is energy.  Bananas are good!  Just make sure not to relax on the sofa after eating!
  • Washing your face / brushing your hair.  Both make you feel more awake and generally better.
  • Moving around… stay awaaaaaay from the sofa, and definitely the entire bedroom!

37: Another Time Out

So, like I said, I’m going to pop off now to do a quick meditation, and probably grab some breakfast on the way back.  Then I shall answer some comments – hi commenters!  Thank you for chatting to me! :-)  That hopefully won’t take too long, and I can get working on another post with actual content.  I know!  I must be on my second second wind already, even without the meditation.  Hooray!

36: Meditation

I’ve just been thinking that maybe I should go and do some meditation to relax my back muscles and refresh my brain a little… and it’s occurred to me that I could also make a quick post about the subject as well!

Until about a year ago, I was very sceptical about both meditation and hypnosis – I particularly didn’t like the idea of giving up control, which is how it felt to me it would be.  I suppose I associate that with the horrible out of control feeling I get when mania goes past the getting everything done productive creativity stage, and into the point where I obsess and over-spend and can’t concentrate or control my behaviour. (Mind you, when I’m in the creative manic state I can’t really control my behaviour either, it’s just not destructive: I’m still functional.)  Anyhow, the point here is, last year I was having some trouble getting any rest because I was manic, or possibly rapid-cycling (going up up up then crashing, then back up a day later for a few days, slightly higher this time, then crashing… and so on).  I had rapid thoughts, I couldn’t stop thinking long enough to sleep or even stay still to rest my body.  The guy who was my ‘link person’ at the Hastings Wellbeing Centre suggested meditation.  I was doubtful at first, but I was really at the end of my tether.  So in the end I dug out a meditation tape that Mum had given me a few years previously.  I dug around further and found my walkman(!) and I gave it a try.  It took me a couple of goes to stop giggling at some of the imagery used (‘imagine the warm sun is moving nearer, compressing into small ball of light’ made me either imagine I’d been immolated, or that the compression of the sun caused the creation of a black hole into which all life was painfully sucked!  I may have been too literal) and get accustomed to letting the words take me along.  To calm down enough to make best use of the meditation practice, I guess.

Once I did, it became an enormous help.  I got hold of some other meditations, on CD this time, some guided and some just music.  I also came across some hypnotherapy recordings, and I gave those a try as well.  They’ve been invaluable tools to me ever since, when I need to relax and let go.  Sometimes I need them to get to sleep, sometimes I use them if I get tense or jittery in the middle of the day.  Sometimes I am still too jittery to be able to concentrate on them, but mostly, they’re a big help.  I generally do need the guided ones if I’m a bit manic, as I can’t stop thinking a mile a minute with just music.

I doubt I’m going to need one to get to sleep after the blogathon today, but the one I am planning to use in just a minute is a ‘wake up’ one.  Let’s see if it helps!

ETA – I also have a couple for when I’m down: those are hypnotherapy recordings.  I’ve found those really useful too.

35 – Fic Rec: Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince in 15 Minutes

No, this isn’t a flashback to the 2003 Blogathon (where I was… reccing Harry Potter fic).  Well, not much.  I hadn’t read HP fic for ages and ages, but the new movie made me want to go and search some out again.  Don’t know why this one did and the others didn’t.  Maybe because I’m a little bit between fandoms, even though I’ve been reading Star Trek: Reboot fic on and off.  Anyway, I’ve just been reading this, and it was a lot of fun.  So here I am passing it on:

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince in Fifteen Minutes, by Cleolinda Jones.

DUMBLEDORE: Aren’t we supposed to be at the Dursleys’ for a Very Significant Scene?
HARRY: I, well, uh… thought I’d flirt with this waitress? You know, in a brief attempt at having a relatively normal life?
DUMBLEDORE: Please, the Chosen One doesn’t get to be
happy.