Accidental week off.

Or nearly a week, anyway.  Six days.  I completely forgot to blog at the weekend… and managed to carry on forgetting all week until today.  Whoops!  So I’ll extend my blogging an extra week, I think.  Or maybe I’ll keep going until the end of July.  I’ll aim for that.  And beyond, of course, but hopefully every day until then.

So, what have I been up to this week?  Not a lot, really.  Much the same as I have for the last few months.  That’s mostly involved not going out a lot.  I don’t actually remember the last time when I managed to leave the house by myself, either.  Not counting letting the cat in and out, and putting the rubbish out – somehow that doesn’t seem to count as Going Out in my wonky brain, even though if I want to go somewhere further than the end of the garden path I haven’t made it past the flat door.  Make sense of that!

I had to go out today, and will again tomorrow, as I have an appointment with my psychiatrist in the morning.  Mum has been brilliant about coming over and helping me get out / taking me places.  Today was an appointment at the Jobcentre to talk to them about work and things now that I’ve been moved onto the new ESA benefit.  In my case, that was pretty much going over the fact that, what with not being so well, I can’t do full time work, but I can continue with the (part time) Permitted Work scheme.  So that’s OK.  What was less OK was the panic attack part of the proceedings, but it wasn’t a major one and I think I’ve remembered everything alright.  If not, I can ask Adam-the-support-worker who was there with me.  Mum had just dropped me off there, as Adam knows the ropes for this kind of appointment.  But she will be coming in to the appointment tomorrow, as per usual.  Her perspective is useful, but she can also remind me of anything I forget to mention as well.  Two heads are better than one, and all that stuff.

And on that note, I’d better go and make my list of things I have to remember for tomorrow.  Oh, and wipe my phone ready for taking it back to the shop for repairs.  Poor wee thing.  (No phone?  How will I cope?! Noooooo! etc)  Good night!

Christmas Time, Mistletoe and Other-Things-of-Varying-Toxicity

That time of year (ie. the end of it) has crept upon me somewhat unawares yet again.  Insert “where has the time gone?!” shock and confusion here.  However, I am sort of, kind of, mostly ready for Christmas.  I think.  I do have some wrapping to do still, but I’m aiming to be all done by dinner time.  If I am, I’ll be well ahead of myself based on the last few years1.  Hooray!  Or in a shout out to Rebecca, yippee!

As for the Mistletoe etc part of the subject line… well, that was mainly me being unable to resist mangling a song lyric.  No mistletoe or mistletoe-related-seasonal-activities for me, I’m afraid.  How v disappointing ;-)  And toxic things… well, many intoxicating things are still right out due to my meds.  But happily some are fine, so I shall be having Crabbies’ with my Christmas dinner tomorrow.  I think it’s going to go rather well.

Anyhow, a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year [or insert seasonal festival of choice, etc] one and all! I might try some blogging new year’s resolutions (eg. blog more / at all), but I haven’t decided yet.  I really would like to get back into the swing of writing again.  But til then, TTFN!

1 Started this post earlier today, obviously, and am now pleased to report that I have finished the wrapping:

Time to Talk

I’ve made a pledge on the Time to Change website:

“I pledge to help end mental health prejudice.  I will talk about my own experiences with bipolar disorder and anxiety to help break down stigma.”

The project is not only for people with a mental health condition – it’s for friends, family, professionals, and anyone interested in the issues, really.  So check it out!

Typing + tiredness = not working

Since I’m extremely tired today (I have new medication which is making me drowsy, hopefully just for the adjustment period, and every time I sit down somewhere relaxing I drop off!), I’m not going to say much again.  I haven’t managed to finish the shawl yet, but just have the cast off edge to go.  I’ve been setting the twist of some of my handspun:

Setting the twist
Setting the twist

(excuse the rubbish photo), and also marvelling over how the Xandermog can go from FULL ON PESTER mode to fast asleep, you-can’t-wake-me in under five minutes flat.  Still when the result is this little face:

Xandermog on the sofa today
N'awwww!

how can you complain?

48: Q&A – Experiences with diagnosis

lunamorgan asked “What was diagnosis like? How did you get it all sorted, because from what I’ve heard, it’s really hard to get a proper diagnosis of bipolar, what with most people not seeing doctors during manic phases.”

There were stages to my diagnosis, and it probably didn’t help that I moved from Beverley into Hull a couple of months after I first saw a my GP because I was disconnected and depressed.  Well, it did and didn’t help: part of what kicked the depression off was that I wasn’t happy in Beverley, so moving to my new place kind of helped that… but I digress already!

In October 2001, I went to see my GP, ostensibly because I’d strained something in my hand, I think, but also because I was bursting randomly into tears on the train home, feeling completely disconnected from everything, apathetic… all the classic symptoms of depression.  My GP was absolutely lovely, very sympathetic, talked me through it all, and prescribed me Prozac.  I don’t think he asked any further questions which would have indicated symptoms of mania as well… but if he did, I didn’t answer them correctly because I was depressed at the time, not really clear in the head – and at any rate, I’d never realised that the symptoms of mania I had were a problem.  Even the serious hallucinations and paranoia, for some reason.  I conveniently forgot about all that once I wasn’t going through it any more.

Anyway, although I felt weird about being diagnosed with clinical depression – unsettled, worried, unsure what it all really meant – I think it helped me just knowing that there was something “real” wrong with me.  The Prozac was also somewhat helpful, though it did make me pretty groggy and slow (mentally) a lot of the time.  I decided to move out of where I was living and get a place in Hull, nearer my work.  Everything was going to be rosy.

Of course, it didn’t quite work out like that.  Within a couple of months, I was manic, and not in a good way.  I now know that being on the anti-depressants was only helpful while I was depressed.  With nothing else to counteract them and keep my mood from going to high, it shot straight past the on-top-of-the-world mania I’d had when I moved, and into hallucination territory again.  Really, I guess I was in a mixed state, because I was also freaked out about leaving the house, and I also now now that I tend towards anxiety and agoraphobia when I’m down.  Fun times!  It all came to a head when I was due for a doctor’s appointment at the GP I’d transferred to, and I was having hallucinations that the buildings around me were moving and changing (rather like in Dark City, only in the daytime and with a tragic lack of Rufus Sewell).  This was, I’m sure you understand, frightening and creepy as all hell.  I was late to my appointment.  The receptionist told me I’d have to go away and make a new one for another day.  I went outside… and had an enormous freak out of truely epic proportions.  Let’s just say I was a bit hysterical.  I got to see the doctor that day after all.  I was scaring the other patients.  And myself, because I couldn’t stop.  I don’t do public displays of extreme emotion, in general.  Well, not ones that include hysterical crying and injuring myself.  Thankfully, this has been a one off in my life so far!

Anyway, the point is, I saw the doctor, and he referred me to the mental health services and gave me a sick note.  It took a couple of months for me to get my first appointment, during which time I was off work and mostly living on my sofa from what I remember.  The very first appointmetn I has with the psychiatrist, she diagnosed me with bipolar.  I didn’t believe her.  I thought she’d just picked it out of a hat because I was creative / musical.  I was actually probably displaying clear symptoms of being in a mixed state in that appointment, with hindsight.  I was prescribed some anti-psychotics (to help with the mania and anxiety) to take alongside my anti-depressants (which had been changed to Venlafaxine by that time), but they violently disagreed with me breathing, so I only ever took the one dose.  Next appointment, she put me on Depakote instead, which I’m on to this day.  It took nearly a year, but finally I came to terms with the diagnosis when I started recognising manic episodes.  It was knowing what to look for, and also having friends on LJ who were bipolar talking about their experiences which made me see it.  One day I went to my appointment and said “I think I’m manic today”.  My psychiatrist smiled and agreed.

2: A short history of me

Before I start talking about the various bipolar related topics, I just wanted to give a summary of my “qualifications”.  An outline of my experience with the illness.  Something like that.

I was diagnosed with bipolar in June 2002, but I didn’t really accept the diagnosis until some time in 2003 – I didn’t want to be bipolar.  Depression I was reasonably OK with the idea of, since that could be circumstantial and therefore go away once whatever the circumstances were had been fixed or dealt with in therapy.  But bipolar was a bit more permenant, so it took me some time to come to terms with that.  I’ll talk more about this when I write the post about experiences with diagnosis.  So, that’s 7 years now that I’ve been diagnosed and on various medication, some of which has worked better than others.  Again, I’ll go into more detail on that later.

Previous to that, I can now recognise manic and depressed episodes from my late teens onwards – which once again I’ll talk about more later.  I’ve had therapy of various kinds, I’m currently being treated by the local Community Mental Health team – I see a psychiatrist every three months or so, depending on how I’m doing.  Right now I’m doing pretty well, but I’m not technically “stable” because I still go up and down a few times a year.  I occasionally go to a local drop-in centre and take part in some of the things they run, or just have lunch and a natter with some of the other members.

Any questions you’d like to ask?  Just leave a comment.

Passing post

Can’t spend long at the computer, because I need to be sitting with my feet elevated. D’oh. Still, I’m to stop taking the new meds, so hopefully I’ll be back to normal (ahem) soon. I am quite pleased with myself that I’m managing to keep this BloPoMo thing going, though. Even if it’s with boring posts like this…

Oh well, back to reclining on the sofa and knitting it is. Oh, it’s a hard life!

The amazing expanding feet :-/

It’s looking like I’m experiencing a side-effect from the new medication I started a couple of weeks ago: oedema. My feet and legs have swollen up, and I think my arms have a bit as well. My skin feels too tight. Oh yay fun. This happened to me a few years ago, quite severely. It was in the summer, so I thought it was because of the heat or something and I ended up having to go to hospital for a few days for tests-and-boredom. I’d rather like to avoid that this time, so I shall give the doctor / CMHT a call in the morning. This time of year, I don’t really want to get to the point where I can’t fit any of my shoes on!

In other news, I’ve been knitting away – and in fact I’m going to go back to that now, with my feet up on the sofa (should help the oversized feet problem a bit!) and podcasts in my mp3 player. Aaaah :-)

However, before I go back to that, I just wanted to mention that I’ve now downloaded and watched Strictly (ILU iPlayer) …. and woohoo! What an awesome finale! I’m sorry it’s over for another year now though, cos it’s so sparkly and feelgood! Still, there’s the Christmas special to watch. Yay!

Progress…

I’ve made some definite inroads into my list – see:

  • Write christmas card list (e-cards and tangible ones)
  • Buy cards and stamps (tomorrow).
  • Write and send out cards of both types.
  • Work out budget for presents (tomorrow when Mum comes over).
  • Go present shopping – both online (asap) and IRL (w/ Mum tomorrow, prob also later this week).
  • Put up tree and decorate.
  • Knit like there’s no tomorrow (I’m not doing many knitted presents this year, but there are a couple I want to get done).

And since I plan to write my cards tonight, that’ll be another thing crossed off. Yay!

I spose I should add another couple of items onto the bottom though if I’m going to be thorough. Presents have to be wrapped, after all. And, um…. is there anything else? Well, if there is, I shall just have to hope it comes to me! My sieve-brain, let me show you it!

In more everyday type news, I also went to the psychiatrist today…

Continue reading “Progress…”