Alive, alive-oh

D'oh, I zoned out for a while there. I wish that would stop happening. My next psych appt isn't until July, either. It was s'posed to be April or early May, but it got put back. :-/ Still, I can phone them if need be, so it's not that bad.

Anyway, I haven't been completely unproductive (read: asleep) over the last few weeks. I've been reading (I keep meaning to write reviews... I really will do that. Eventually), and knitting, which I shall talk about a bit more in a moment, and doing a bit of work on a fannish website project with Sann. And over the last couple of days I've been gradually putting some knitting / crochet books and some more yarn up for sale on eBay. I might even get the non-knitting things I have to clear out up there, if I can get around to taking photos and working out postage. I need a better pair of scales!

Actually, talking of scales, I may or may not have lost weight recently, but I have been eating more healthily. And without having to think about it too hard, either - it's becoming more of a habit, which is really good. As well as that, I'm going to start doing more exercise again. I had meant to before, but I as part of the whole zoning out thing I was mainly stuck indoors. However, this morning I'm planning to either go for a walk in the park if I can get hold of Ally in time, or go to aquafit and then either the gym or just stay in the pool for a swim. I've got to get back into a routine where I've got something to get going for in the morning, and having something that I need to leave the house for is better. Otherwise I'm likely to faff around at the computer in my pyjamas until lunchtime! Quite possibly doing something productive, but still - I need that routine of being really "up and about", and being actually dressed is part of that.

Back to the knitting, anyhow. Let's see... looking back at those goals I set myself at the beginning of May, I'm afraid I still haven't finished Mum's present (I'm going to go and do some work on that in just a mo!). But as I said, I did finish the baby bootees, and I've also finished my second pair of socks - the Berlin Muster pattern - for the Sock Knitter's Pentathlon. I hit my personal targets as well: I wanted to finish in the first 100, and to improve my sock knitting time. Which I did: I finished as number 68, on 23rd May, so it took me exactly 3 weeks to knit them, doing an average of an hour or two a day. :-) Since then, as well as Mum's pressie I've been working on my Fireworks socks, and I've now finished the first one after a bit of a hiccup with the garter stitch toe the first go around (it ended up about twice as long as it should have been!). The second one of those is cast on and I'll now be slowly making my way down the leg whenever I want to work on a project that requires very little concentration for the most part. I don't have any pictures of that just yet, anyway, but I do have some of the finished objects. Want to see?....

What d'you think? Did the pattern show up well after all? Neither the colour or the pattern are what I'd normally think of as being "me". Too delicate / pretty - I just don't usually do pastels at all. But I like them! Surely I'm not moving to the light side? Noooooooooo!!!! Bring back the black! ;-)

Catching up

Whoops, I've been absent for a bit, haven't I? I've been down with an attack of the April's, you see.

I don't know why exactly (although I've got a theory: it could be bunnies*) it happens every year, but starting in April, I always go through a depressive period. The joys of spring tend to be less than joyous. Not every day, for every thing, because there are lots of things that objectively I love about this time of the year. But mentally, it's not one of my best times. Some years it's lasted for months, getting worse and worse until I've been in a right state. Others, it's been better, and it's only really since I've been diagnosed with the bipolar that I've been keeping proper track anyway. But since then it's depended on my medication, my own and others' awareness of my mental state, and how soon it's picked up on and started to be dealt with.

*or seriously, something to do with stuff that happened when I was around 18 which I won't bore you with now, but was at this time of year. And btw, name that fannish reference!

This time, I only had about a week (or maybe 10 days... it blurs) of not being able to move out of bed / eat / etc. After that, there was a thankfully quite short period of getting myself back into a more normal routine again, and now I'm feeling a lot better. Hoorah! Interestingly (to me anyway *g*) getting back to normal once I'd been able to recognise and start coping with the depression as depression just took about three or four days. Before I got really low, I'd been struggling with a wonky sleep routine and lack of motivation for a good couple of weeks, and I was frustrated and annoyed with myself for not being able to sort it out. Now, I can "forgive" myself for all that because now I realise it was the start of the low mood swing. I'm not quite sure if I could have done anything at that time to head the low off... perhaps that's something to talk to someone (doctor? CPN? counsellor?) about.

However, like I said above, there are things I do love about this time of year, so it certainly hasn't all been doom and gloom. I haven't got out and about as much as I'd like of course, but I did get to enjoy the snow at my Mum's house, the sun in my flat (I have huge windows and my bedroom is a sun-trap), and the sea-air down on the seafront once or twice as well. And of course, being inside so much, I have got some knitting done, and a lot of reading. I did sleep most of the time when I was down (and I do mean most of the time: generally 16-20 hours a day!) but when I was awake, I was at least able to do those things.

What did I knit? Well, I'll talk about that more in another post, but I finished my Pentathlon socks (yay!), I'm making two pairs of baby bootees for Ally's little 'un (who is due next week - the 23rd), and I'm working on Mum's birthday present (also 23rd). Things are going much faster now I'm feeling more myself again, of course. Which is nice :-)

I'm behind on Project 365 of course - there are only so many photos I could take of the inside of my flat anyway *g*. What are you sposed to do when you miss some days, I wonder? Just skip them, or fudge it and fill the gaps with spare shots from other days? Is there a school of thought on that?

Project 365 #4, Days 17-24: 26th Jan - 2nd Feb

I'm still catching up, so I've put a few more days in at once this time. So here are days 17 to 24 of my Project 365 photos. If you want to see all the photos so far, click on the Project 365 category link, or check out the Project 365 folder in the photo album.

On to the pics (click them for the full sized versions):

Day 17 - 26th Jan 08

A Saturday afternoon on Battle High Street. I took this when I was on my way down to the bus stop after Knit and Natter. I rather like the sense of captured movement from the chap in mid-step on the crossing to the cyclist disappearing into the distance on the left. But mostly I like the framing, from the stop sign centred in the Abbey gates and outwards from there.

Day 18 - 27th Jan 08

The really rather pretty sunset, as taken from my bedroom window.

The leg and heel turn of the second Hedara sock (note the progress from having started the leg just a few days before!). I was on a roll!

Day 19 - 28th Jan 08

The vet's surgery. I was mostly doing indoor stuff on this day, so my little trip out to the (very nice) vet to pick up the cat's repeat prescription was about as exciting as it got! I've actually managed to make the road look quite flat in this picture. Don't be fooled: it's on a hill. Most of this town is hilly.

Day 20 - 29th Jan 08

And today's trip out was to.... C. House, also known as The Together Centre. This is the drop in type centre just down the road from me that provides all sorts of support and services, from internet access to meals to advice to plain old social contact, for those of us with mental health issues. It's a lovely friendly place. They've been a big help to me and I can't praise them enough.

Day 21 - 30th Jan 08

The second Hedara sock has got to the end of the patterned part of the foot and is ready to start the toe decreases. Woohoo!

Day 22 - 31st Jan 08

The last day of January was a fantastic windy, rainy one. So of course, I went down to the seafront to take a few snaps. I couldn't choose a shot, so what you've got as a result is a kind of 360° view. First of all, to my left and out to sea, with the lower prom at the bottom, and a wave splashing up the breaker. That dot is a seagull. Honest!

Now to my right and out to sea, and along the prom. In the distant right is the Marina building. I like the way the lines of the railings travel. I intended to get the top of the post in shot like that, but the rest was pure chance!

This one is to my right and behind me as I was standing before; back along the prom and road. There's a giant puddle right where that white car is.

And finally back to my left again, with the pier in the far distance.

Day 23 - 1st Feb 08

So what do you know? The very next day, we had beautiful blue skies and sun. This is taken from one of my living room windows. If you look closely, you'll see there seem to be lots of smudges on the picture. That's because I took the photo through the glass, and living near the sea, you get salty rainwater marks all over the windows...

Day 24 - 2nd Feb 08

It's a router convention! This was taken during the time that my broadband service was down, and I tried every broadband-capable modem and router that I could dig out, beg, borrow or steal (ok, not the last one) to try and figure out if it was a problem with my hardware or set-up. It wasn't, but I got the cables at the back of my computer ever so organised!

Where was I?

Both figuratively / mentally and literally.... um.... yes. My train of everything is well and truly lost! Let's try and get back on track, shall we? This is probably going to be a massively long post, I warn you now! There's also going to be a fair bit about mental health stuff, so feel free to skim :-)

So, starting from when I vanished back in December... well, for the three weeks leading up to Christmas I was pretty much knitting constantly. So much so that I cramped up my shoulder and ended up with an ouch-y left index finger joint! But eek, I had to get the Christmas knitting done!!! Well, as I already mentioned, I didn't quite succeed, but I did get Mum's Fetchings done, and I had a scarf finished that I gave her as well. Also within that time, I went to visit C for the weekend, and having been manic not too long beforehand, I think I 'overworked' myself, because once I got home again, I when I wasn't knitting, I was sleeping. Zzzz!

Then, this site was down from 17th - 26th-ish December because of a server crash. It took the hosting company a while to be able to recreate the accounts and then restore the files. The flat files were about 6 weeks old but the databases were all up to date, so I've been able to easily restore the things that were still missing (photos, mainly). So that's all good. Of course, during that time I had a million posts I wanted to make, and now I don't remember what they were about ;-)

After Christmas, I crashed like a .... crashed out thing for a good ten days. Everyone tends to, I think, but annoyingly I can't do anything by halves, so I hit a depressive slump with it: didn't get up or eat or anything really. I slept, or I read - I got through about 15 books, actually. But mostly I slept. Luckily, I'd arranged with Clara, Ally & co. for them to come over for New Year's. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have done anything for that... and if I'd been up to phoning them to cancel, I probably would have. But as it happened, Clara rang me and just asked me what time they should turn up. I don't think she knew I was down, but that really is the best way to deal with me when I'm like that. Don't leave me room to get out of things! So I pulled myself together, tidied up, and sorted out some nibbles and the like. We had a good time - just a chilled out evening, chatting and playing with little M. :-) After that, I was still down for a few more days, but I started to pull up again at the weekend after C helped me with a plan to get me firing on all cylinders again. Hooray!

Since then, I've posted my resolutions, which I'm doing OK with in general, and I've started Project 365. Mentally, I've cycled into a more manic phase, but overall I've been mostly within 'normal' parameters. I've also done something that I'd been sort of putting off for some time - I've gone and registered with the drop-in centre down the road. I think I was resisting it because part of me felt that only people with a "real disability" needed to go to somewhere like that. Or perhaps with a more severe disability than I like to perceive myself having, I don't know. Ah, denial! I thought I was over you, but no! Anyway, it's a really nice place, and I can go there as often as I want or need, to use whatever facilities I want to. Mainly, I think it'll be useful for me to have somewhere to pop in when I know that I'm starting to slide one way or another and need to just be around other people to ground myself, and also it's good to know that the support and advice services are there if I need them. And I have to admit that it's a huge plus that it's literally a minute's walk (or less) from my front door. They do food too, very reasonably, so if I can't cook, I can eat there. And I got to chat with three other people with bipolar while I was there, and it's just kind of nice to have that face to face contact with others in the same boat. So yes. I'm going to keep that up.

Hmm, I think that kind of covers it. I've been working away on my WIPs, but I'll talk more about that in a different post (with progress pics, whee). Oh, and I seem to have my sleeping pattern back to normal, so it's back to the gym and everything this week as well. I missed Knit & Natter the Saturday before last, but my friend M is coming over tomorrow, and I'm planning to go this coming weekend. Now all I have to do is stick to the plan, but also not overdo it!

Project 365 #1 - Day 1-6: 10th - 15th Jan

I mentioned in my last post that I was thinking about doing Project 365. A couple of days later I decided that if I was going to do it, then I'd better just start before I started thinking about it too much. So I did.

Which means that I will, all going well, be posting a photograph for every day from 10th January 2008 to 9th January 2009. I'm planning to make a post every five days or so. In actual fact, I might post more than one photo for some days - this is to stop myself getting mired in indecision! I've set up a specific folder in the photo album for the set of photos to go in, as well. I won't be putting them on Flickr or adding them to any group sets there, though I have joined the Ravelry group for 365-ers, and I'm intending to join the webring.

Anyway, that's enough rambling on the theory. On to the photos (click 'em for the full size versions):

Day 1 - 10th Jan 08

This is me trying to take a decent modelled photo of the socks my lovely SP11 pal, Janey, made me. Tucking my jeans up? Oh dear, won't be trying that again! Don't worry Janey, I think I managed to get a better view in the end! Also, look (you might need to click through to the full size pic): among the mess in the background are my faithful DMs, the box for my shiny new webcam (xmas pressie), and the bookshelf that I have my back to when I'm at the computer. Can you see the wee dye-cast TARDIS on the top? *unashamed fangirl*

Day 2 - 11th Jan

Xandermog, faaaaaast asleep on the sofa. Awww :-) See, I said this would all be yarn / knitting and cat pics, didn't I?

Day 3 - 12th Jan

This is actually fairly indicative of my day. See, I was all ready to go out: I had all my stuff in my bag to go to Knit & Natter, and here are my shoes ready and waiting to be put on. Only, they stayed right there. I came over kind of woozy and didn't go anywhere at all. Bah.
This pic also gives you an idea of the layout of some of my living room: it's a pretty large room, so I have it kind of split up into areas. I took the pic from the doorway, so you can see through to the computer, and also the back of the sofa which makes a division into the 'telly / music' bit.

Day 4 - 13th Jan

Ah yes, the reason for the previous day's wooziness. The oncoming storm. "Hi I can't sleep and everything is HYSTERICALLY FUNNY!!!!" mania. I would say I was five, except even at five years old I was generally a serious child with my nose in a book. On the plus side here, I wrote it down on this mood diary sheet and later recorded it on the chart thingy I have, and I was able to be online and talk to some friends, which grounded me somewhat until I came over tired enough that I conked out. (Taken w/ the webcam)

Day 5 - 14th Jan

I was still riding the mania, but I had had some sleep during the day and I'd come down enough that I could be productive... although I wasn't able to actually make a decision about what to do! Luckily, my friend suggested that if I wasn't going to be able to sleep that night, I should use the time and sort out my paperwork. So I did! This is me about half done. About 2/3 of the paper ended up in the recycling (orange bag) - hoorah!

OH NOES PAPERCUT!!!! See, sorting through all that paper has its dangers. I sliced myself right on the web of the thumb, and it kept pulling as I was still sorting stuff out, so I needed to bung a plaster over it... and of course, the only one I could find was this unnecessarily large thing. Typical.

Day 6 - 15th Jan

Once I'd sorted the paperwork, it all got neatly filed away. Isn't that nice? Although, this photo also tells you what a packrat I am. There's still all my stuff from uni in there, for heaven's sake. And in fact, that Tigger folder was my school folder when I was doing GCSEs. Oh dear...

Of course, I can't do anything without the mog coming to check up on me. Dreadful nosy beast! (And, why yes, that is the box for a Laser Screwdriver down there on the right. The bro gave me one for Christmas to go with the Sonic Screwdriver he got me a couple of years back. Hee! (See above re. *unashamed fangirl*) Mmmm, John Simm.)

Really, he's a very good cat, but his one main vice is shredding my furniture. And walls. Quite often while pretending he's not really doing it at all (hence him not looking at the door or me in this pic). *sigh* And while he hasn't shredded the inside of this cupboard door, he's now decided that the outside of it is his new favourite scratching post.... :-/

And that's that for now. Next five days coming soon...

It was. Only. A dream!

Sitting on the bus this afternoon, I suddenly remembered a dream I'd had last night. In which my skeins of sock yarn were just so irresistibly yummy that I just had to chew on them*. Nom nom nom! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarn!!! This is the point where I should probably be saying "I think I've finally cracked". Only, whoops, too late! ;-)

* They weren't bad tasting, either. Not that I ate them. That would be a waste! Just stuffed them in my mouth and gently chomped down a couple of times. Erm. Hi there subconscious. Something you want to tell me?

ANYWAY! Hi, Happy New Year. Here I am! I've been pretty zonked since Christmas, and I was rushed off my feet before that (plus my webserver was down for over a week, grr), but I'll elaborate on what I actually got up to in the other post that I'm writing. This is going to be a looking forwards post. Well, and a 'currently' one as well, I guess.

So, let's have some resolutions for 2008. I have general ones, and knitting-related ones as well:

General resolutions:

1. Get back into a regular day-to-day routine and maintain my sleep hygiene regime
2. Remember to take my meds (I've been doing well with this for some time, but it never hurts to reinforce it!)
3. Related to #1, go to the gym / gym classes regularly and often.
4. Eat proper!
5. Get back to work, but take it slowly and don't overdo it!
6. Keep a cap on my spending and improve my money situation overall.
7. Have a thorough clear-out of the flat and charity-shop or eBay anything I don't want or need.
8. Be a more reliable and prompt correspondent! I'm pants at replying to emails and comments, and I really want to get on top of that. Feel free to help me out by prodding me if I should be mailing you and haven't. I'm not ignoring you, I'm just a bit rubbish!

Several of which can really be summed up as "Look after myself", but since detailed lists help me plan, that's what we've got. :-)

Knitting Resolutions:

1. Two words: Yarn Diet. This is strongly related to #6 above, since I can't now afford to buy any more yarn - woe! But I'm not exactly yarnless, so I'm not going to repine. I haven't decided on my exact goal for this yet, but I want to join the Stashalong thingy. Piglottie has said she's not going to buy any yarn in 2008 at all. I'd like to say the same, but maybe I'll start with a 6 month commitment and then revise / renew it from there! I feel that I should leave myself some wiggle-room just in case, and there's still sockclub. So. I'll post more about it when I've figured out how I want to work it.
2. Knit from my stash. You know, since I'm not going to be buying anything new. But even if I was, I have a ginormous stash that needs some serious busting, and what's more, it's yarn I really want to knit with! I have plans!
3. Those two UFOs that have been needing sewing up for the last couple of years? FINISH THEM! Damnit. At least one, if not both, by the end of February.
4. Never have more than 8 WIPs on the needles. Preferably less, to leave room for 'OMG must start that right now' syndrome.
5. In the short term, finish all my current WIPs by the end of March (Hedaras, Damson Gloves, Ruby Scarf, Clapotis, Fireworks socks, Chevron Scarf, WFS, Spring Sprung scarf, and SAHWWJ Cardi) with a possible waiver on the cardi because I'm happy enough for that to be a relatively long-term no-rush project.
6. Do some more stash clearing / yarn selling. Which sort of counts as stash busting, but not exactly. Also advertise those knitting books and magazines.
7. Get out the knitting machine and make up some stuff to sell. Like HP scarves and so on. I've got the yarn, after all. Stashbusting! Yay!
8. Spend more time on my Ravelry groups, and keep up with my blogroll links. And comment more! Oh, on the podcasts I listen to, as well. Par-ti-ci-pate. *nod*

I've also been thinking about joining Project 365. Or maybe I'll do the weekly variant that some people on Ravelry are doing. I'll probably end up with a stack of photos of the cat. And yarn. No change there, then!

Okeydokey, this post is long enough. I'll yatter about my current WIPs (with photos) more tomorrow or some time soon. Time for bed! :-)

Zooooom

1. I've had THE most awesome final / "reveal" package from my SP11 pal, Janey. THANK YOU JANEY! :-D I shall write more and post pics later. And email Janey to gush a lot. Yes.
2. Due to Circumstances Beyond My Control, I haven't been able to send out my own final SP11 parcel to Katie yet. Argh. Actually, it looks like I won't be able to get hold of one thing I was looking for anyway, so I guess I'll have to give up and get it sent asap. Although asap might have to be next week, the way things are looking. I reiterate: argh! Sorry, Katie :-/
3. It's a year today that I was in that car accident (my car was hit). Therefore, a year since I last drove, since after that (a) my poor car was squished, and (b) I was put on meds that mean I'm medically disqualified from having a licence. Which in turn means I've got a free bus pass, so it's not all bad.
4. I was kind of under the weather again last week. Mainly, I'm annoyed. I have things to do! Therefore, I'm now running around like a... crazy running around thing. Pick your metaphor. Off to the shops soon. Hey, fresh air! That'll be novel.
5. Site revamp still not done. Well, it is. I just haven't applied it to the actual site and uploaded it yet. Yeah, not done.
6. What with the not-well thing, I haven't got as much knitting done as I'd like, either. I do at least have one FO, but everything else that's Christmas knitting? Um, not yet. Must knit faster.
7. I have sorted out pretty much everything (I think!) that I'm going to destash, however. Looong post all about that coming v soon.
8. Xandermog is poking me in the leg with his sharp pointy toes. Owwwww.
9. Aaaaaaaaaand the child upstairs seems to be banging something echo-y and metal on the floor. Oh, someone please make it stop!
10. I might just be having a bit of a manic Monday (haha, oh dear). Shall have to watch myself, and try to do some relaxing stuff once I've got the must-do things out of the way. Note to self: breathe.

Not Dead!

Despite appearances, the blogathon didn't kill me. Hoorah! It did wipe me out for a bit there, though, and then I had to spend some time catching up on the things I'd got behind on while I was thus wiped out. But anyway, now I'm back and feelin' fiiiiine.

So!

And I raised a fantastic $199.66, which translates to £98.64 in real money, all thanks to my wonderful sponsors:
- Heather
- Ally
- Noxie
- Ramona
- Mum
- Carla
- hellolovely
- Anonymous
- Ambermoggie
- talesfromtheplain
- Liz
THANK YOU, guys. And thank you to my excellent charity, MDF, who sent me a lovely email and have invited me to submit a piece for the charity's quarterly magazine about the blogathon and why I chose them as my charity. I'll be sending that off to them shortly, so you never know, I might even get in print. :-)

I'd like to highlight a few of the posts I made during the 'thon - the ones that got the actual content, really. It was amazingly hard to write what feel like 'full' posts to me for every one, because it just takes me too long! So there ended up just being a relatively small number of more meaty ones, interspersed by briefer comments. Anyway, the ones I wanted to point out are:
- Bipolar Disorder, and MDF: The Bipolar Organisation
- Fetching So Far
- Excitement! I Won!
- Forest Canopy
- My First Socks
- Loopylou and the Multitude of HP Scarves

I guess that's all on the 'thon until another year, then. Maybe next year, maybe not! It's been three years since I did it last, so I'm not going to commit myself now. But I certainly do intend to do it again... and try to remember next time not to do pretty much a full day's activity *before* I start, next time...

And now we return you to our non-regularly scheduled knitting posts!

Bipolar Disorder, and MDF: The Bipolar Organisation

I wanted to write a bit more about why I've chosen to blog for MDF today. I think many of the Blogathoners have gone for charities which have some kind of personal meaning to them, and I'm no different there. I'm one of those lucky however-many percent (10? 20?) of the population who have Bipolar Disorder, or Manic Depression.

Being Bipolar isn't cool. It isn't trendy. It doesn't make you interesting or different or emo. Or, you know, perhaps sometimes it does, but not in a good way in the long run. It's not teenage angst. It sure as hell doesn't make teenage angst any easier to deal with if you've got the one on top of the other. It is a serious and difficult condition, and it's not something that will ever be "cured". It's classified as a mental illness, and it is... but it's due to chemical imbalances in the brain, which in my opinion makes it physical as well.

As the term "bipolar" suggests, the illness causes extremes (poles) of mood. Depression can range from feeling 'down' and detached for no outside reason, to not being able to cope with interacting with other people, to not being physically able to get out of bed to even eat something, to really black depression and suicide. I'm lucky: I've only had one instance of feeling at the very bottom of that spectrum. But I have been pretty low, so let me try to explain it for you.

I can't imagine it's easy to understand why I just wouldn't get out of bed to get dressed and eat, why I might unplug my phone and hide under my duvet it the doorbell rings. Why don't I just do those things? They're not hard. Eating is kind of necessary. And yet, when I'm that low, I just can't grasp it. All my motivation to even move is gone, and trying to find it, trying to find a reason to do anything "normal" is like scrabbling on the sheer side of a glass mountain. Real life is on the other side of that glass, and I have no way of connecting to it. The smallest thing is overwhelming. I lose great gaps of time: in fact, this description is quite difficult for me because I don't entirely remember my periods of depression. I certainly have no concentration. I will often feel bleak despair for no outside reason. All in all... it sucks.

Mania is the other end of the spectrum. And in a lot of ways, it's the really tricksy one. You start out feeling great - bouncy, creative, full of life. This makes it really hard to catch and stop, because quite often, I find I don't want to stop feeling "good". But if it goes that little bit too far, then it tips over into feeling like I want to do a million things, but not being able to settle down to concentrate on any of them. This is when you can spend recklessly, and behave recklessly in general. It is not, for example, a good idea to drive when you're in this kind of state. Everything's faster than everything else, to paraphrase Meat Loaf! After this, the inability to concentrate escalates into constantly racing thoughts which can cause insomnia for days on end, all of which worsens the whole thing. I find that I often feel extremely frustrated and angry with myself when I'm in this kind of mood, and very agitated and anxious in general.

Just to make it all the more fun, it's also possible to have "mixed states" where symptoms of both mood extremes manifest at once. Trust me, those are great.

MDF is a charity that provides help and support for people with bipolar disorder, and for their family and carers. They promote research and awareness of the condition (did anyone see the documentary fronted by Stephen Fry last autumn?) and work against discrimination. Their mission statement says that they aim to "enable people affected by bipolar disorder / manic depression to take control of their lives".

That is exactly what I want and need to do. No, bipolar disorder doesn't have a "cure", but there are a range of medication and therapies available to help those of us who have it. Early diagnosis would be an enormous help so that those can be put into place as soon as possible. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 27, and I'd been having episodes for at least 10 years at that time. MDF's goals can only help with that, and to make care available to everyone who needs it.

I'm doing my best to manage my condition, with medication and support from my local mental health team, and by having worked on a plan for recognising symptoms of an episode before they become serious.

Which brings me to why I've also chosen to knit (hah) for this Blogathon. You see, knitting helps me both when I'm depressed and when I'm manic. If I'm down, it's not too difficult to do, and if need be I can do it without getting out of bed! I'm physically producing something, which gives me a sense of achievement, and it does also give me something to focus on and take my mind away from the mental bleakness of those episodes. When I'm manic, knitting is calming - there's only so fast I can make a stitch, and I think the repetition really helps as well. Again, I'm producing something, which is good when I can't concentrate on anything else enough to do anything that I perceive as useful.

So there we have it. Hooray MDF, and hoorah knitting! And if you've found this blurb interesting or thought-provoking in any way, perhaps you would sponsor me for a pound or two? If not, why don't you go and take a look at the MDF website. Chances are that even if you don't know someone with bipolar disorder, you have contact of some kind with somebody who suffers from depression, or a related illness. It's an interesting site, and well worth a read.

Flagging

I'm being kind of rubbish here, aren't I? I'm flagging somewhat. Or, not exactly flagging, but feeling mentally flabby. Can't think of anything to say! I need to re-organise my brain a bit for the night shift.

So, where was I? Well, I've been knitting my Fetching wristwarmers - photo and more details of those coming in a bit. No-one has yet taken me up on any HP stuff, so I think I'm going to mention it on my LJ. After all, I'm not sure it it's because no-one reading this is interested, or if there is no-one much reading (I know: I could look at my stats! Duh.) or what. Doesn't matter if nobody does want them, I spose, but I kind of want to get over the $100 sponsorship mark. *g* I was just trying to think of some extra motivation to persuade people to shell out. Mwahahah, etc!

Anyway, I was going to make a post about my charity, so I think I'll do that next, and then start posting these pictures. I have to edit them a bit before I put them up, so that'll take a little while, but they'll be around soooon. Plus, I'm going to type up the drabble I wrote for Fandom Helps. *nod* Off I go then!

On what you'll find here today...

So, today is Blogathon Day, as I might have mentioned once or twice. I'm blogging for MDF: The Bipolar Organisation (more on that later), and if you'd like to sponsor me, you can do so by making a pledge at the Blogathon site.

If you are so kind as to pledge something, I'll link you over in the side bar there, and depending on how much you can spare, I might make you a little present to say thank you as well :-)

My theme, amazingly enough, is knitting related. I'm going to vary it a little bit so that I don't get bored, but what I'm planning on is:

• Squares for a blanket, in different yarns and stitch patterns to give me some variety, and to bust some of my stash!


• Children's mittens, for a Christmas shoebox project.


• Thank you gifts for my sponsors.


• Forest Canopy Shawl.


• Fetching wristwarmers.


• Monkey socks.


• Possibly reviews of knitting books and / or podcasts, as I'm going to be listening to podcasts to keep myself entertained as I knit!

I'll take pictures as I go so you can see how I'm doing as well as hearing about it. So, off I go to start the actual knitting! TTFN.

Blogathoning Are Go!

I've signed up for this year's Blogathon, which is taking place on 28th July starting at 6am PST (which I'm pretty sure is 2pm GMT - hoorah, no early start for me!). In case you don't know what the Blogathon is, it's essentially a sponsored 24-hour 'blogging marathon'. I'm going to make a post at least every half hour for the duration of the 'thon.

This means I need something to keep me awake and interested, so as I think I mentioned before, I shall be knitting. Won't that make a change? Specifically, I'll be knitting away as much of my stash as I can into different stitch patterned squares for a patchwork blanket / afghan. I might also knit mittens or a hat for a bit of a change at some point.

The charity I'll be blogging for is MDF (Manic Depression Fellowship) The Bipolar Organisation. As someone with the condition, I'm a member, so I can certify first-hand that they do a lot of good work.

So what I need now are sponsors. Basically, if you're interested in pledging an amount to sponsor me for the event, click on the link in the last sentence and fill out your details. After the event (providing I completed it!) you'll get a reminder email, and it's then up to you to follow the instructions to donate the pledged amount directly to the charity. If you'd really rather, you could inform me how much you want to pledge and Paypal me the money for me to donate on your behalf, but my first preference is to do it the way the Blogathon site suggests.

What do you get for sponsoring me, other than a warm happy glow inside? Well...

• I will of course give huge props to every sponsor (unless you don't want me to name you at all... I can give you an alias so you'll know I mean you).


• If you have a site / blog, I'll link you in my sidebar and links page here.


• If anyone sponsors me more than £20, I'll knit you an accessory of your choice (hat / scarf / arm-warmers / gloves / mittens / something of a similar size), although if you're outside Europe I might need to send it surface-mail depending on weight.


• ... And I'll entertain you with my babblings and in progress pics of the knitting, etc etc.

As well as this, I'll be participating in the fandom_helps LJ group blog, to give me a bit more variety. And to give my hands a rest, because I think knitting solidly for 24 hours is going to give me cramp. And that's it!

I'll put up a "Sponsor Me" button at the top of this page when I've made one, and I'll put a running total of sponsors under the Currently section in the sidebar. So, um, pledge something? Doesn't matter how small an amount. A pound, a dollar, as much as you can afford and feel is worth it. It's for chariteeeeeeeeeeee!

Blogathon 07?

I'm thinking of doing the Blogathon again this year. On this blog, with a knitting sort of theme - I dare say I'll knit as I go, and post pictures or something like that.

Since I'll have my stash back from my Mum's house by then, maybe I could do some stash-busting thing. A blanket in 6x6 squares? I've always meant to get around to one of those, and it would be lots of little things that would give me plenty of variety - different stitch patterns as well as yarn for each one, and so on.

As for a charity, I reckon I'll go for the Manic Depression Fellowship. I'm hardly the only bipolar blogger around, so maybe a few others will do the same. That would be nice.